In the spirit of ‘American Idol,’ let’s take a look at how the judges might view the ACC tournament that begins today in Atlanta.
We’ll go team by team:
Randy: Listen up dawg, I like what you’re trying to do but I’m not feeling it. I mean, you have a lot of nice players but I can’t always tell which one is which. Gani, you’re the real deal. The rest of you … uhhh.
Paula: Coach Hewitt, I love that suit you’re wearing.
Kara: I’m sorry but I just didn’t get it. I’m not sure what you were trying to do. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to your substitutions or anything. I don’t think Mr. Jefferson would be very proud of this.
Simon: Honestly, I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Have you considered lacrosse?
Randy: Check it out, you’ve got some really nice pieces here and you had some moments, some good moments. But there were times when you were really pitchy and you hit some flat notes. I mean, who’s your point guard, dawg?
Paula: That’s a really red jacket you’re wearing coach Lowe. I love your spirit.
Kara: The thing about this competition is you have to do something to make us notice you. Don’t be like everyone else. I’m not sure you’re totally comfortable with who you are just yet. Jack McClinton is great but he’s not enough. I think you need to find one more really good piece.
Simon: Here’s what I don’t understand – what’s with the U? There’s not a U in Miami except maybe if Paula’s spelling it. You play pretty good basketball, which is nice but now’s not the time to be pretty good.
Randy: Yo dawg, I love the whole maroon and orange thing you have going on . I mean it doesn’t work for everyone but you guys make it work. Especially you, A.D. I like it. As a team, I like a lot of what you’re trying to do. Sometimes, you’re the bomb. But sometimes …
Paula: What’s a Hokie?
Kara: Greivis, I love you. You play with passion and that’s what we’re looking for. Show us you care. You take the game and make it your own. You’re not afraid to put your own stamp on things. I’m not sure you can do it all yourself but I admire your effort…just not those yellow uniforms.
Simon: It all seems a bit karaoke to me. I mean, haven’t we seen all of this before? The coach going crazy on the sideline, the players running hot and cold, the fans being rude to the visitors? You should be better.
Paula: You remind me of that '70s song, ‘Please Come To Boston’ because that’s where you played your best. And what’s not to like about Boston? I love chowder. And Tyrese Rice, you can move.
Simon: Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve come as far as you have. When we saw you a few months ago, I didn’t think you’d be where you are. You’re a nice team. But I’m not sure anyone will remember you in two weeks.
Randy: Give it up for Trevor Booker. He’s a man in the paint. Check it out, dawg, when you went up and jammed that rebound in one-handed, dude, that’s all I needed to see.
Kara: I have to say, I’m not sure we’ve seen anybody this season who can hit the high notes quite like you can, Terrence Oglesby. We talk about range, you’ve got it. Sometimes you pick the wrong song, I mean shot, but you’re not afraid to try. That’s what we’re looking for.
Paula: Congratulations, Coach Bowden. I love what you’ve done with this program. It doesn’t have a lot of stars but you’ve given it an identity. Your team plays hard and that’s what matters. You’re really trying and I love to stand up and do the tomahawk chop.
Simon: Sit down, Paula. Leonard – it’s Leonard Hamilton, Paula – you’ve really made this team better. I wasn’t sure it could be done consistently but you’ve done it. Can you win it all? Probably not, but you’ve impressed me, which is hard to do.
Randy: Check it out, dawg. That pep band is the bomb. You’re giving me a little Mitch Ryder, Devil In The Blue Dress. … Nice, very nice. And I like the whole old-school thing you’re doing with the arena.
Kara: I went to Duke. Don’t you wish you did?
Simon: Are you finished, Kara? I like this team, I really do. I think it has more energy and more options than last year’s team. Gerald Henderson can play for anybody. So can Kyle Singler. I’m worried, though, that you don’t have enough inside. …Excuse me, why is that man standing up and waving a towel?
Kara: I’ve always liked motorcycles and you remind me of one. When you get your motor running, you can drown out everything. Even when you’re idling, we know you’re there. All I can tell you is now’s the time to wind it out. Show us what you’ve got.
Paula: I agree with Kara. Farouq, that’s fun to say, Farouq, Farouq, Farouq, I love your game. The way you can run the floor. … Jeff Teague keep shooting and James Johnson, we’ll be seeing you in the NBA.
Simon: Dino … it is Dino, isn’t it? You know how good your team can be. You beat Duke and North Carolina. That may say more than I can, though Boston College did it, too. You already know this but I’ll remind you that it takes three exceptional talents to go all the way. You have that. The rest is up to you. NORTH CAROLINA
Randy: Yo dawg, Psycho-T is in the house. I love the way you play, dude. There’s no fear there. You were a little pitchy there at one point but when you got it together, dude, what can I say?
Kara: I went to Duke.
Paula: I love your Carolina blue tie coach Williams. Sometimes you remind me of Opie Taylor and I mean that in the sweetest way. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be fine.
Simon: There’s a reason you’re No. 1 now. You have it all. You can go as far as Ty Lawson will take you. He’s that good and so are you. My only question, and it’s a small one, is what’s a Tar Heel? It sounds like something you go to the podiatrist about.
-- Ron Green Jr.
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